Not Taking the Cure

     The only cure for Clinical Depression is suicide. Pretty shocking statement, don’t you agree? Just like a slow drip in a faucet, unwanted thoughts have the power to disintegrate will and drive even a Christian woman to the edge to considering ending her life in a hot tub of water with a razor blade tracing the vertical path of her veins from wrist to elbow. I am that woman.

     Who hasn’t seen the commercials advertising the latest anti-depression drug? Whether it is a stormy umbrella following a cartoon woman through her day or various shots of gray people sitting and staring off into space, we now have a television version in our minds what depression looks like. Some people see these images and roll their eyes saying something like “They just need to snap out of it” while others, like me, get taken back to the moments when time stood still and life became an unending loop of pain, sorrow and disconnection. I have been told that real Christians cannot be depressed because of the hope of Jesus Christ. I consider that a great line to being compelled to turn on the tub faucet. So please, if you have any Christian mercy or compassion and agree that adding a burden to a sister or brother in Christ is reprehensible, stop saying it.

     Clinical Depression has been explained to me a couple of ways by my counselor and doctor. Each version has marginally helped bring me closer to accepting taking brain altering drugs for the rest of my life. I will always hate having to take this medication just as I hate knowing without them I cease being a properly functioning human being. Being told having clinical depression is like someone else being diagnosed with diabetes, or so the counselor says, “You can’t change having diabetes because you don’t want it”.  This comparison helps me understand that it is not a state of mind driven by will. There could be some people in the world who enjoy feeling no joy and seeing everything in a gray tinted way, but I am not one of them. It is not my choice to be depressed, it just is, like diabetes is a disease of the body.  While I understand that clinical Depression, as the doctor says “It is a brain imbalance further aggravated by tragic life situations”, I find it frustrating that I can’t get over it and go on with my life.

     For the most part I don’t think about being a clinically depressed person, but I am hyper sensitive to reading others opinions on it and having a conversation about it, most especially in a Bible Study, because it is difficult to explain to others when I have such a hard time coming to terms with it myself.

     There is no need to go into detail the struggles I have endured or what brought me to thinking about ending my life. I want to tell all the people that have said “If he/she were a real Christian they wouldn’t be depressed” you have it wrong. Being a real Christian means I may be depressed but through the power of Christ and His love and grace when standing on the precipice of my private abyss I didn’t reach for the tub faucet handle and the razor blade.

Susan

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